


Lilac Flowers

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - All In (Music Video), Gen, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Minor Character Death, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22680301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: “It’s getting worse.” Hoseok whispers next to him and Changkyun's eyes trail over to Kihyun and the hurt comes back. It’s probably just a few more weeks until he won’t be able to move anymore.It’s selfish, how much it scares him. He should just be sad, Kihyun is dying, but Changkyun is scared of where it will leave him. He knows Hyunwoo won’t be able to handle it and when Jooheon loses the stability of the eldest, well, there’s no telling what he’ll do but Hoseok will follow him for sure. Hyungwon will stop fighting, he’s been losing his strength for months now, he’ll let his father win, and when he does Minhyuk will lose it. Changkyun still isn’t quite sure how but there will be no return when he does.And Changkyun will be left with loneliness again.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Everyone & Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M & Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M & Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	1. Trust

Changkyun knew loneliness. It was a friend from the past but it would never be forgotten. He wasn’t alone in knowing loneliness, most people knew it well nowadays. That’s what happens when trust disappears - not that Changkyun ever had the pleasure of knowing trust. He thinks he’s become acquainted with it now though. And he enjoys watching it. 

Or at least he tries to. When he’d only heard of trust he’d thought it sounded beautiful, and in some ways it was, but it was ugly too. In that trust, in its truest form could only come from hardship and weakness. Like how Hyunwoo slows down his pace for Kihyun to be able to keep up and the rest slow down too, it always takes Changkyun a bit too long to follow their lead. Fear is much closer to him. 

“The tunnel.” Jooheon pants out next to him and Changkyun nods. They just need to make it a bit farther and then they won’t have to run any longer and he won’t have to listen to Kihyun’s choked off sounds of pain. 

People look at them as they pass but no one pries. It’s too dangerous to get involved in other’s business. Most of the time Changkyun thinks it’s sad, he’s heard that there once was a time when it wasn’t like this, but he’s happy for it now. They make it to the tunnel with no trouble and now that he thinks about it, it might have to something to do with the gun strapped to Jooheon’s thigh. 

Hyungwon is gripping his side in pain when they stop and Kihyun leans heavily against the wall before sliding down to rest for a bit. It hurts to watch them like this. It’s the reason Changkyun knew loneliness so well. But it eases slightly when he sees Minhyuk gently gripping Hyungwon by the shoulders when his eyes grow distant like they so often do. There is no fear when the tall man comes back to them, like he knows he’s safe with them, like he trusts them. 

“It’s getting worse.” Hoseok whispers next to him and Changkyun's eyes trail over to Kihyun and the hurt comes back. It’s probably just a few more weeks until he won’t be able to move anymore.

It’s selfish, how much it scares him. He should just be sad, Kihyun is dying, but Changkyun is scared of where it will leave him. He knows Hyunwoo won’t be able to handle it and when Jooheon loses the stability of the eldest, well, there’s no telling what he’ll do but Hoseok will follow him for sure. Hyungwon will stop fighting, he’s been losing his strength for months now, he’ll let his father win, and when he does Minhyuk will lose it. Changkyun still isn’t quite sure how but there will be no return when he does. 

And Changkyun will be left with loneliness again. 

“I’m good.” Kihyun says through clenched teeth as he rises to his feet, “Let’s go.”

They go on these adventures every chance they get. Into the forest where no one goes and all is calm. They need it. Here they don’t need to watch people suffer, there are no cries of starving children or pleading homeless people here. It’s nice. Changkyun used to think the forest was too silent, too lonely, but it’s not when he’s with the others. He feels almost happy here.

He’s able to ignore the fact that Kihyun needs Hoseok’s arm in support when he stumbles one too many times and watches the scenery instead. Minhyuk once said Changkyun looked like a child out here but Changkyun doesn’t think he’s ever been one, it was still a nice comment though. 

He curses under his breath when he trips and hisses when he touches the little wound on his knee. He turns to look at what he tripped over and his brows furrow in curiosity when he sees a metal sheet barely covered by leaves and dirt. He reaches out and knocks on the metal and his mouth opens in amazement when it sounds hollow. There’s something underneath. He quickly fumbles around the edge and manages to pull the sheet off to reveal a hole with a ladder leading down it.

“What’s down there?” Jooheon asks, peering down the hole.

“I don’t know.” he shrugs and locks eyes with the older and they smirk at each other, “Wanna check it out?”

“Of course!” he exclaims, pushing Changkyun to the side to make his way down the ladder.

“Stop!” Hoseok yells suddenly and they both freeze to watch the older jog up to them, “It could be dangerous down there.”

“So what? Everything is dangerous.” Jooheon laughs and continues climbing down.

Changkyun hears the others debate on whether it’s a good idea or not, but he ignores them and follows Jooheon down. Curiosity has also become closer since he met these guys. 

When they reach the bottom they find themselves in a corridor and he locks eyes with Jooheon and shrugs before heading down in one direction. Changkyun can hear the clanking of metal from where someone else is climbing down but focuses on fishing out his flashlight since the corridor gets darker and darker. 

They freeze when they find themselves faced with a large metal door and Changkyun pouts when the light illuminates the bulky lock. None of them are thieves. Or well, of course they’d stolen before, but they’d never broken in, so picking locks was none of their expertise. 

_Bang!_

Changkyun flinches violently at the loud sound and looks up at Jooheon in shock. The older simply smiles, waving his gun casually before striding forward to tear off the broken lock before opening the door. It makes a loud screeching noise and Changkyun hears the other’s yelled questions from down the corridor but can’t bring himself to answer when the door finally opens fully. 

Jooheon doesn’t hesitate before entering the room and Changkyun admires the man so much that he forces down the little fear that was brewing in his gut in order to follow him inside. 

It wasn’t what he’d expected. He’d thought it might have been an altirirary down here or maybe a storage of drugs, but instead, it’s like a small library. There are bookshelves covering the walls and papers strewn over the tables inside. Curiosity becomes stronger here.

The room is suddenly thrown into light and Jooheon grins triumphantly at him from where he’s found a light switch. 

“What is all of this?” Kihyun’s voice comes from behind him and Changkyun turns to face him, the smile that had creeped up on his face in fascination drops at the sight of him. He’s leaning heavily on Hyunwoo and his face is pale, the climb down the ladder probably wasn’t good for his legs. 

“It’s some kind of library.” Jooheon answers for him and Changkyun tears his eyes away from the newcomers to search the shelves, distractedly aware of the others doing the same, “I don’t recognize the language.”

“It’s English, isn’t it?” Hyungwon asks from where he’s leaning over Jooheon’s shoulder. 

Changkyun hums in affirmative and pulls out one of the books. He’d noticed that too, there were less books with Korean written on their spines than English. It was strange but he doesn’t let himself wonder to long, focusing instead on recalling the English he knew - English he wasn’t actually allowed to know. 

“You understand it, right?” Kihyun asks as Changkyun plops down next to him on the floor. He’s happy to see that some of the color has returned to his face.

“I might.” he opens the book and ignores the warmth that spreads down his arm from where Kihyun leans his head on his shoulder. 

The book speaks of flowers. Lilac ones that are supposed to have healing properties. There are recipes and descriptions of rituals that confuses Changkyun more than it gives him clarity. He flips through the pages, stopping when he finds a drawing of a flower and it’s beautiful even though the ink is fading slightly. A text is written below it and Changkyun tilts his head when he reads it.

“What is it?” Kihyun whispers and Changkyun shrugs, liking the fact that Kihyun puts his head back on his shoulder despite the way Changkyun’s movement had made it bounce, connecting hard against his bony shoulder. 

“I don’t know if it’s true but,” he pauses and glances up to see the others peering over at them, “it says there are these flowers that can heal any- and everything. It can’t be real but-”

“Maybe it is.” Hyunwoo finishes when Changkyun trails off, there’s hope in his voice and Changkyun can feel it blooming too. He’s never felt that before.

Jooheon helps Kihyun to his feet and they leave Changkyun to continue reading in the language he’s not supposed to know. It takes him a while to realise he isn’t scared that they won’t come back for him. And that, that scares him, but it also makes him feel safe, it doesn’t make any sense. 

He flips a page and a note falls out. 

_The flowers can heal any- and everything... given a sacrifice._

It’s the same saying as before but the addition makes the blood in his veins run cold. If it’s true, what the book is saying, this would be too, he’s sure of it. The world isn’t kind enough for something as good as this to be free. 

But maybe, just maybe, it would be worth it. 

He looks up and around the room and he feels a stab of sadness in his gut. He gets up off the ground and walks along the walls lined with bookshelves. This was all once someone's, but there's nothing in here to actually show who it could have been. Whoever it was was organized though, that's for sure. The books and papers strewn around the room might be saying differently but the ones on the shelves are in alphabetical order. Changkyun likes it. There isn't much structure left in this world anymore.

"Kyun!" Minhyuk calls and Changkyun turns to face him, a little surprised when he sees the sharp grin on his face. Minhyuk is one of the happiest people Changkyun has ever met but it hadn't escaped his notice that Minhyuk's smile didn't quite reach his eyes as of late. But this time it does and he raises his brows in question, "We found another room. There's a bunch of flowers, you gotta come check it out."

He follows quickly, not wanting to lag too far behind Minhyuk's excited steps but he still makes sure to grab the book he'd been reading, tucking the note between the pages and holding it close to his chest as he follows.

The room is just a few doors down from the library and Changkyun notices the broken lock on the ground, briefly wondering how he hadn't heard them break it but as soon as the room comes into view his thoughts are otherwise occupied.

The layer of dust that had been in the library made Changkyun assume that no one had been down here in ages but the flowers in the room, they're _alive._ A vibrant lilac color and the smell is incredibly pleasant. The others are looking at them in fascination and he can’t help but chuckle when he sees Jooheon with his nose pressed against one of the plants.

“It’s the flowers in the books.” Hyungwon says, plucking a off petal, “How are they even alive down here?” 

“Do you think-” Hyunwoo seems to hesitate, glancing over at each of them, “I mean- there’s rumors, about magic and maybe-”

“It’s just rumors.” Kihyun says coldly, “Someone’s probably taking care of them and if they catch us here-”

“What about all the dust?” Minhyuk challenges, “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been down here in ages.”

“Assuming it’s magic though,” Kihyun scoffs, “it’s ridiculous.”

But what if it’s real?

Changkyun doesn’t say it outloud. Kihyun obviously doesn’t believe it and the others seem to be on the verge of discarding the thought and hoping for it to be real. They’re all scared of hope, he knows. There’s enough to be scared of already and Changkyun doesn’t want to be part of that. 

“We should get out of here.” he says instead, “We were supposed to find something to eat.” 

They seem relieved at the reminder and head out into the corridor. Changkyun puts the book in his bag as he watches Kihyun climb onto Hoseok’s back with only a grumble of dissatisfaction. His legs don’t quite wrap properly around his waist and as Hoseok climbs up the ladder they end up hanging limply behind him, it’s pitiful to watch and he can feel the atmosphere dim further. 

“You’re keeping the book?” Jooheon asks and Changkyun just shrugs and smiles, giving his bag a gentle pat.

Once they’re all above ground again they head off to try to find anything edible. Changkyun knows they have enough money between them to pay for food but they need to save up on what they can. Medicine is increasing in price by the day and they can’t risk stealing from the sanitariums. He knows Jooheon has considered it several times but they’ve managed to talk him down each time. Changkyun knows they won't be able to if things get more desperate than this though, and inevitably, it will.

They spread out, looking for herbs, berries and mushrooms in all the places they haven’t already been. Changkyun thinks he heard Jooheon say something about trying to hunt but it’s been weeks since they last saw an animal around here, and he doesn’t think it’s very likely they’ll find any now. He can see the others through the trees but they’re getting further and further away, and Changkyun is once again consumed by the contrast of fear and comfort as he realises he isn’t actually scared of them leaving. 

Changkyun focuses instead on searching, letting his gaze fall to the ground. He has some grains back in the apartment from the rations, but they lack nutrients and more importantly; taste. He still remembers the first time he’d had a meal with the others, along with the surprise of how comfortable he was among them, he’d been even more shocked by how good the food tasted. 

_“A chef never reveals his secrets.” Kihyun had said cheekily, to which Jooheon only scoffed and gestured to the window where Changkyun could see herbs growing, “Traitor.” Kihyun had muttered but there’d still been a smile on his face._

_“You know it.” Jooheon winked and poked out his tongue._

Changkyun is still ashamed of how his thoughts had instantly gone to the idea of reporting them to the authorities in exchange for whatever they would give. He still isn’t quite sure why he had discarded that idea back then, but he’s glad he did. 

He has no luck finding anything and the sun is already starting to go down so he decides to head back to the tunnel, the others should be heading back as well, not wanting to risk getting caught after curfew. As he walks through the forest he ends up back by the hole and he’s not sure what it is that compels him to take off the metal sheet and climb down again, curiosity or hope? 

There’s an echoing thud as he lands and he quickly heads towards the flower room, quickly picking a few and putting them in his bag, he feels a bit bad about mushing them in like that but he doesn’t have a lot of time and nowhere better to store them. He climbs back up, hesitating slightly before he reaches the top and peaks up carefully, he’s not sure what the others would think if they saw him.

Fortunately no one is around and he quickly makes his way to the tunnel. Kihyun and Hyungwon are already there, seem to have been there for a while if Hyungwon snoozing on Kihyun’s legs is anything to go by. He sits down on Kihyun’s other side and nudges him in the side and nods his head towards the sleeping man in question.

“I think he has a concussion or something.” Kihyun mumbles, reaching out to brush Hyungwon’s fringe to the side, showing a scabbed over wound.

“We need to get him away from his father.” Kihyun looks up at him, just as surprised as Changkyun himself is at how determined his voice sounded.

“He’s still a minor,” he sighs deeply, “and the guards like his father.”

Changkyun doesn’t have anything say to that so he simply leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes for just a moment’s rest. Soon enough they hear footsteps approaching and Kihyun gently shakes Hyungwon awake. 

“You okay?” Minhyuk rushes up to them, kneeling in front of Hyungwon as he struggles to sit up, “Did you get hurt out there?”

“Not out there.” Hyungwon mutters and shakes his head as if to clear it, “I got tired and Kihyun did too so we headed back early.” Minhyuk quickly glances over at Kihyun who simply waves the concern away, “Did you guys find anything?” Hyungwon asks, glancing over at each of them.

“Everything is dying.” Jooheon shakes his head, obviously disappointed, “Tasteless grains tonight as well it seems.” 

Despite the fact that the outing gave no outcome, Changkyun still feels satisfied by it. He knows they all need an escape from the city every once in a while, need to get a small taste of freedom before they’re thrusted back into reality. 

They make their way back slowly even though they’re getting dangerously close to being caught out after curfew, partly because they don’t actually want to go back, and partly because Kihyun is struggling. Changkyun worlessly offers his support as the others split off to go home, he lives in the same direction as him so it only makes sense. It’s definitely not because he enjoys having the other plastered to his side as they walk in silence.

They arrive at his building just as the first warning bell lets out its shrill sound and neither can hide their flinch at the sound. Kihyun uses his card to unlock the gate and steps away from Changkyun, casting a quick glance around his surroundings as if trying to memorize them. 

“See you tomorrow.” Changkyun says softly and Kihyun looks at him and smiles. He doesn't say anything back but it still sounds like a promise. 

_No matter how much he fears where trust comes from,  
loneliness is far more terrifying._


	2. Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you think the flowers work?”_
> 
> _“I don’t know.”_
> 
> _“I didn’t ask if you knew,” Hyunwoo says, not unkindly, “I asked what you think.”_
> 
> _Changkyun hesitates. He knows why Hyunwoo is asking, he wants hope, and Changkyun is still terrified of it. But he can’t lie to him. And so, he tells the truth._

Care, every sense of the word confuses Changkyun. The idea of caring for someone only meant vulnerability and being cared for meant nothing but weakness. But at the same time, it felt so good. To give into that vulnerability or showing just a sliver of weakness to those he could trust. It was like a test, to see if people were still human, if you were still human. 

The first person who had cared for Changkyun had been an old lady - Agatha - he met after running away from the orphanage. She had taken him inside and spoke to him even though neither could understand each other. She must have known she was commiting a crime by hiding him, but she still did it, she taught him her language and she fed him without asking for anything in return. And then she got sick, and Changkyun ran away again. 

It wasn’t very human of him and he thinks it’s the shame that still lingers that makes him try so very hard to care about the guys. He’ll clean Hyungwon’s wounds without comment and massage Hyunwoo’s shoulders when they get too tense - they never relax completely of course, but he thinks the eldest appreciates the gesture nonetheless. 

He sees it the minute Hyunwoo returns too. Changkyun knows he’s working in the mines again, even though the others tell him over and over that he can’t, that it’s too dangerous. He hides it well though and Changkyun doesn’t think any of the others have noticed it yet. The only reason Changkyun knows is because he saw him covered in grime and dust walking through the streets one day. That moment was the first time Hyunwoo showed Changkyun anything other than kindness, he’d pulled him into an alley, pressing him up against the moldy wall and made him swear not to tell anyone.

_“They’ll worry.”_

Changkyun had understood, and he agreed. The others hid things too, to protect each other. Because they cared. Changkyun admires it, these guys are among the most human people he’s ever met. He hopes he’ll get there too. 

Hyunwoo sits down next to him on the couch and lets out a deep sigh but smiles fondly down at Minhyuk and Jooheon playing a game of cards that Changkyun doesn’t understand the rules of. They look like kids, Changkyun thinks, with how much they laugh and yell. He wishes he had that same energy but he doesn’t and he leans his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder, smiling shyly when the older holds out his hand for him. He likes having something to do and playing with people’s fingers has always relaxed him. 

It’s Agatha that let him develop that habit. It was before he could understand her and he’d wake up screaming from nightmares. She would wrap herself around him, his back against her chest, and rock them side to side as he fiddled with the ring on her finger. She must have been married once, Changkyun realises. He wonders if she had been a mother before she took him in, it seemed like second nature for her to take care of him. 

“You okay?” Hyunwoo asks softly and Changkyun just hums in response, turning his hand over to run his pointer across the large palm, “You sure?”

“Yeah.” he mutters, “Do you know when the others are getting here?”

“I don’t think Kihyun will come, he had to work the market today and well, you know-” Hyunwoo trails off and Changkyun nods, Kihyun will probably need days to recover from standing all day, “Hoseok said he’d drop him off some food and then come join us.”

“And Hyungwon?” Minhyuk asks from the floor, that childlike look from before gone, “Have you heard from him?”

“No.”

“Kyun?” Minhyuk asks and Changkyun shakes his head sadly, it’s been days since he last saw him. 

Minhyuk doesn’t even bother saying anything, he just rises to his feet and heads out the door. They all worry for Hyungwon but Changkyun has seen that there’s always been something special between the two of them. In a better world they might have been brave enough to let themselves explore it. But this isn’t a better world, and they must both be terrified of losing what they have. 

“How’s your grandfather?” Jooheon asks, gathering up the cards.

“He’s getting worse,” Hyunwoo says, voice cold, but Changkyun can feel the way his hand clenches around his, “he asked me to get him out of the Sanitarium, he says it’s unnecessary expenses and that he’d rather not di-” he cuts himself off and Changkyun squeezes his hand in support, “he’d rather not be there till the end.”

It’s hard to talk about death. Even though it’s something everyone knows so well. But being used to pain does not make it hurt less. It makes it easier to handle, yes, but it still hurts. It’s why Changkyun is so confused about caring. Is it really worth it if it will all inevitably come to an excruciating end?

Jooheon sits down on the couch next to Hyunwoo and wraps his arms around him, mumbling something so softly that Changkyun can not hear it but Hyunwoo seems to relax at the words and Changkyun thinks that this is a perfect example of it maybe, being worth it. 

Hoseok comes over and Jooheon and him set about cooking the vegetables the older had brought with him along with some grains. Hyunwoo and Changkyun stay where they were, comfortable in their silence.

“Kyun?” Hyunwoo breaks it though and Changkyun grunts to show he’s listening, “Do you think the flowers work?”

“I don’t know.” 

“I didn’t ask if you knew,” Hyunwoo says, not unkindly, “I asked what you think.”

Changkyun hesitates. He knows why Hyunwoo is asking, he wants hope, and Changkyun is still terrified of it. But he can’t lie to him. And so, he tells the truth.

“I think it’d be strange if there’s a whole bunker with books and flowers filled by something that isn’t real.”

“So you think they flowers could heal someone,” he says softly, hope coloring his voice, “like it said in the book?”

“Yes.”

It’s only a few day later when Hyunwoo corners him at the market, he’s covered in dirt and Changkyun can see a deep scrape along his arm. He tells him to follow him and Changkyun can’t find it in himself to protest.

“You kept the book, right?” Hyunwoo pulls them to a halt, “Right?” he sounds urgent and Changkyun nods, “Good, go get it and then meet me at the Sanitarium.”

“Okay.” 

He hasn’t seen Hyunwoo this emotional before and he’s unsure if this is wise. Giving him hope like this when he can’t be sure if it will even work. But he still rushes to his home, grabbing the bag and peeking inside, to his surprise the flowers are still in bloom and he hopes that means he won’t be giving out hope in vain. 

Hyunwoo cares so deeply for people, it might not be obvious to most, but Changkyun has seen the way his gaze sadly lingers on the homeless. Losing his grandfather, someone he loves so dearly, would hurt him, he’s the only relative Hyunwoo has left. Changkyun thinks he’s lucky, in a way, that he never had a family to care about.

He hurries as fast as he can to the outer parts of the city. The Sanitarium was built away from the densely packed city center to lessen the spread of illness but it hasn’t worked. It’s still spreading and even though government officials keep making announcement on the work that’s being done to find the cure, Changkyun finds it hard to believe they ever will. He isn’t even sure there is any research being done anymore.

When he reaches the Sanitarium he finds Hyunwoo sitting with his back resting against the wall, legs curled up to his chest and head down. There’s lilac flowers on the ground next to him, crushed. As Changkyun gets closer he notices how he’s shaking and he’s filled with dread as he kneels in front of him, reaching out to rest a hand on his knee.

Hyunwoo’s head snaps out and his eyes are red and there are tear tracks on his cheeks, “I was too late.”

“I’m so sorry.” Changkyun says weakly and to his surprise Hyunwoo uncurls himself and lurches forward to wrap himself around him.

“He was gone before I got here,” he cries, Changkyun’s never heard him cry before, “he died alone.”

“You couldn’t have known.” Changkyun rubs his back in what he hopes are comforting circles, “you were trying to save him.”

“It was a waste.” his voice sounds practically hollow and Changkyun realises he isn’t crying anymore.

“I’m so sorry.” 

Because really, what else is there to say?

It takes a while but Hyunwoo eventually gathers himself and pulls away, face still streaked with tears but expression unreadable. They walk home in silence, Changkyun tries to hold his hand to offer some support but Hyunwoo doesn’t take it, instead walking a bit faster until they finally reach his home. Changkyun isn’t sure if the older wants him to come inside or not but he holds the gate open for him and so Changkyun enters. 

Minhyuk is there already, Hyungwon is too, sleeping on the bed. Minhyuk seems to realise something is wrong immediately and wraps his arms around Hyunwoo but he’s quickly pushed away. Even though Hyunwoo isn’t the most affectionate person, he rarely rejects it and Changkyun feels his chest ache as he watches him retreat to his room. 

“What happened?” Minhyuk asks once the door shuts and Changkyun lets out a deep sigh, sitting down at the foot of the bed Hyungwon is sleeping on.

“His grandfather died.”

“Fuck.” Minhyuk curses and sits down on the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs, “He talked about using the flowers.”

“He wanted to save him,” Changkyun says softly, pulling his bag into his lap, “we were too late.”

“We don’t even know if it would have worked.” Minhyuk tries to reassure but it doesn’t make Changkyun feel any better.

They sit there in silence, only broken occasionally by Hyungwon letting out a whine or groan in his sleep. Changkyun hears a hitch in the older’s breath and Minhyuk is instantly on his feet, bounding over to the bed and shaking Hyungwon awake before his nightmares lead him to scream. They’ve gotten enough complaints from neighbors already. 

“It’s okay.” Minhyuk assures Hyungwon when his eyes finally open and Changkyun feels like he’s intruding as he watches the two embrace, “I’ve got you.” 

“Min-” Hyungwon whines, “it hurts.”

Minhyuk pulls away and Changkyun catches Hyungwon’s gaze over the older’s shoulder, he smiles. It’s a relief whenever Hyungwon does, sometimes Changkyun fears that he’ll become numb, that he’ll stop caring about himself. Well, maybe he already has, but he still cares enough about them to try to reassure them. 

“Where else?” Minhyuk asks, hand reaching up to trail his fingers over pale cheeks, “I didn’t get to look you over before you fell asleep.”

Hyungwon wordlessly slides his sleeve up and reveals dark bruises along the arm and red marks on his wrists. 

“Is there more?” Hyungwon shakes his head and Changkyun smiles in relief. 

It’s not like he can be sure that Hyungwon is telling the truth but the reassurance makes Minhyuk settle down slightly. He wraps one arm around the taller and it shouldn’t look as comfortable as it does given how skinny they both are. They just fit perfectly together, Changkyun thinks it’s tragic in a way. 

“You were going to try to use the flowers?” Minhyuk asks suddenly and Changkyun gives a small nod, patting the bag in his lap, “Can we try?”

“It’s not that bad.” Hyungwon tries to protest but Minhyuk just shushes him and it makes Changkyun giggle.

He’s curious and so he pulls out the book and the flowers. He finds the page with the ritual easily, he’s folded the corners of the pages that seemed the most relevant when he read it. If Kihyun was here he’d probably scoff, the older didn’t believe it. Or didn’t want to believe it.

“You’re supposed to eat the flower.” Changkyun says, holding one out and Hyungwon looks at it sceptically.

He spares a glance at Minhyuk and he seems uncertain as well but there’s hope in his eyes as he gives a small nod, Hyungwon shrugs. 

“It’s worth a shot I guess.” he takes the flower and crumbles it in his hand and puts it in his mouth, hesitantly chewing it, a curious expression forming on his face, “It tastes sweet.”

“Don’t speak with food in your mouth.” Minhyuk playfully scolds and Hyungwon rolls his eyes.

“Not sure if you can call that food though.” Changkyun quips, making Minhyuk chuckle.

They watch as Hyungwon continue to chew and once he swallows Changkyun settles on the floor in front of him, placing the book on the bed so he can read as he grabs Hyungwon’s hand. He looks at him with a question and Hyungwon gives a small nod, it’s enough for Changkyun and he starts to read. 

_The lilac sky and the bright moon.  
Silence sweeps around as color takes control.   
A scent, a sight, a touch.   
It will heal.   
It will hurt._

Changkyun whispers the last word even though the others wouldn’t understand it. He closes his eyes, bracing himself, waiting for the pain but there is only a weak pulsing beneath his skin, completely bearable. Maybe it isn’t as dramatic as the word _sacrifice_ would suggest. 

He opens his eyes and watch as Hyungwon holds up his arm, watching in fascination as the bruises fade. He looks down and lock eyes with Changkyun before glancing over to Minhyuk next to him.

“It worked.” he gasps and Minhyuk lets out a bark of laughter.

Changkyun smiles as the two laugh and discretely pulls his sleeve down to cover the bruise that’s forming on his arm. He thinks it should scare him a lot more than it does, but it’s been so long since he saw Hyungwon unscathed. He doesn’t think he ever has. 

“The flowers work?” Hyunwoo’s cold voice cuts through the rejoicing atmosphere and Changkyun curses under his breath, looking over at the older stood in the doorway.

His expression is a strange mixture of relief, happiness and such an intense look sorrow. Changkyun can only imagine what he’s feeling but he’s sure guilt is in there somewhere. If only they had tried earlier, maybe his grandfather would have made it. If only they hadn’t been so scared of hope.

But what would have happened to him? Changkyun feels selfish even asking the question. It’s not very human of him, is it? After everything Hyunwoo has done for him, he should have been happy to have a way repay him. 

_Caring might be a weakness,  
but so is selfishness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


	3. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He thinks if he hadn’t hoped for something better, he wouldn’t have become so broken. It’s best to keep expectations realistic, low. Disappointment hurts a lot more than one would think._

The first time Changkyun had felt hope had been back at the orphanage. Their old handler was leaving, none of them knew why but they were happy she was. She was a mean old lady, greedy and neglectful. Changkyun isn’t entirely sure how many kids he watched die under her care, he was probably too young to understand what had happened to some of the earlier ones. 

The new handler came and Changkyun had heard stories from some of the older kids that there were adults out there who were kind and he had hoped that this man would be. He wasn’t, and Changkyun still has scars on his back that served as a constant reminder why hope was dangerous. He thinks if he hadn’t hoped for something better, he wouldn’t have become so broken. It’s best to keep expectations realistic, low. Disappointment hurts a lot more than one would think.

Hyunwoo seems to be hurting like that now. It must be worse for him though, with how he held hope in his hands but like sand in a an hourglass, time ran out too fast. Hope slipped right out of grasp. He doesn’t come with them to the forest anymore but Minhyuk says he’s still around. Both Minhyuk and Hyungwon seem to be feeling guilty about the flowers, thinking they shouldn’t have tried it so soon after Hyunwoo’s grandfather’s passing, and Changkyun agreed. They had practically rubbed it in Hyunwoo’s face that he had been too late. 

When they’d told the others about the flowers working, they had been excited, an almost childish look of wonder in their eyes when Hyungwon had showed them his unmarred skin. Kihyun had had that expression too but tried to hide it, Changkyun had seen it though and when Kihyun saw that he had, he had scoffed and shook his head. 

It had baffled him at the time but Changkyun thinks he’s figured it out. Illness and injury are very different things, he’s probably afraid it wouldn’t work on him. He’s probably afraid of hoping just like the rest of them are. Changkyun wants to try it, despite the fear that blooms in his chest at the question he doesn’t have the answer for. What would it do to him? 

The bruises had grown darker as the days passed after he used the flowers to heal Hyungwon and he had realised that the taller boy had lied to them because when he had changed that night his chest had been covered in blues and purples. He didn’t call him out though, they didn’t need to know about this effect of the flowers. Not when he’d just given them hope, he couldn’t just strip it away from them, it’d be too painful. 

“You’ve gotta let him try!” Minhyuk begs Kihyun but he just rolls his eyes once again and tries to walk away.

He doesn’t get very far though, not because any of them are trying to stop him, but because his legs give out. Hoseok rushes to help him up and Changkyun sees that his eyes are glassy with unshed tears. It’s painful for all of them to watch Kihyun like this, especially with Hyunwoo’s grandfather’s death so fresh in their memories.

That is the main reason Changkyun still looks at Kihyun with pleading eyes even though he’s terrified of what he’s begging for. Hope can bring such disappointment, pain, but Changkyun can’t help but wonder if the question of “ _ what if?”  _ might just bring a worse pain? When Kihyun dies, which he will if they don’t do anything, they’ll all be left wondering. Hoseok is already looking at him with a strange expression on his face, as if he’s somewhere between resenting him or looking to him for answers. 

Changkyun gets it, he’s mad they found the bunker too, but he also feels like it has the answer, solution. And because he’s the only one who can even begin to understand the clues down there, he’s the one with the answers in their eyes. But he’s still terrified of getting it wrong, of leading them down a path that only brings disappointment.

They come to a clearing and Hoseok helps Kihyun sit down and Jooheon instantly joins him on the ground. He’s usually the one that goes exploring the most, both out here in the forest but also in the city. Sometimes Jooheon disappears for days and each time they all worry that he’s getting himself into trouble. 

Hoseok once told Changkyun about how the two of them met. Jooheon had just been a skinny kid trying to pickpocket him, and Hoseok - just as skinny but a lot stronger and more used to the city,- had tackled him to the ground but never told any guards. After that Jooheon had apparently started following him around like a newly hatched duckling - Minhyuk’s words of course. Hoseok said he had hated the kid at first and Changkyun still couldn’t believe it as he always saw fondness in the older’s eyes when he looked at Jooheon. 

“Come with me.” Hoseok pats him on the shoulder and starts walking.

“Where are we going?” Changkyun glances back at the others gathered in the clearing but Hoseok doesn’t answer, he just keeps walking, knowing he’ll follow, “Hyung?”

Hoseok still doesn’t respond and they keep going until the clearing is far out of view. Hoseok suddenly stops, turns around hastily and grabs both of Changkyun’s shoulders, pushing him back until his back meets a tree.

“Hyung?”

“What’s going on with you?” Hoseok asks and the concerned tone of voice confuses Changkyun so much that all the words he knows slips from memory, “Tell me, is someone hurting you?”

“W-what?” Changkyun stumbles over his words and Hoseok frowns.

“What is this?” the older lets go of his shoulders to grab Changkyun’s wrist, pulling up the sleeve to reveal the fading bruise, “Who did this?”

Changkyun shakes himself free of the hold and he can’t help laughing at himself. He had been so sure he had been so sly, keeping the others from noticing, but of course,  _ of course,  _ it’d be Hoseok that noticed. He thinks the older almost deserves the truth for seeing it, for caring enough to confront him. But he’s already made up his mind, the others can’t know what the flowers do.

“A guard got a bit rough is all.” Changkyun shrugs, pulling down his sleeve again, “I wasn’t watching where I was going and bumped into him.”

“Kyun-” Hoseok sighs and Changkyun knows he doesn’t believe him, “I know you don’t trust easily but-” 

“But nothing.” Changkyun interrupts, “This isn’t something you can fight for me, we can’t have you going to the camps for getting mad on my behalf. I’m fine, this is nothing.”

Hoseok sighs again, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he’s trying to figure out what to say, finally he just mumbles, “Why don’t you trust us?”

“Why don’t you trust me?” Changkyun shoots back and he hates himself for being such a liar, Hoseok doesn’t deserve this, “You don’t need to worry about me, just focus on the others. I can handle myself.”

“You don’t have to.” this time it’s Changkyun’s turn to sigh and he pushes past the older to head back to the clearing. 

The others are waiting still but Jooheon rises to his feet as soon as he catches sight of them and before Changkyun can even think about sitting down next to Kihyun like he’d been intending, Jooheon grabs hold of his arm and drags him with him. Changkyun doesn’t think Jooheon is pulling him aside for the same reason as Hoseok but he can’t help the dread filling his gut.

“Jooheon? What are you doing?” he hisses even as he lets himself be led away from the clearing once again.

“We need to find out if the flowers work on illnesses too.” Jooheon states simply, quickening his steps and Changkyun realises they’re nearing the bunker. They don’t say anything as they climb down and they immediately head for the library, “There must be something in one of these books right? We need to find it.”

Changkyun gives a small nod and heads for one of the shelves, trying to figure out if any of the titles written on the backs of the books can clue him into what the content is about. The book he’d grabbed before had been by pure chance and he still can’t quite decide if it was luck or not. 

“I’ll go grab some more flowers.” Jooheon calls out and Changkyun is left alone.

_ Draughts  _

Changkyun grabs the book, flipping it to a random page and he frowns a little as it looks like it’s a recipe. Can the flowers be used as herbs or spices? There’s a little comment at the bottom of the page and Changkyun perks up.

_ Effects: intoxication, calm, laughter _

Alcohol is expensive and the one time he had gotten the chance to try it, it had only been a sip and all he was able to think about was how badly it tasted. He hadn’t been able to believe how people would be willing to spend so much on something so disgusting but then he’d seen people under the influence laugh and he’d realised why. There wasn’t much that brought people joy and he figures drinking the foul liquid would be worth it if it made you that happy. 

But he’s seen that it doesn’t make everyone happy though. Hyungwon’s father being the prime example. But if this recipe is right then they shouldn’t have to fear that particular side effect of intoxication. They all need something to laugh, something to make them feel calm. 

“You found something?” Changkyun startles as Jooheon is suddenly right next to him, he’d been so deep in thought he hadn’t even heard him approaching.

“We can get drunk with those.” he says once he’s gotten his breath back and points to the flowers the older man is holding. 

“Not what we were looking for exactly,” Jooheon says, tone light, “but I’ll take it. We should head back before the others get worried.”

“Yeah.” 

Changkyun can’t bring himself to look at Hoseok when they come back to the clearing and the other three look at him with questioning gazes so piercing that he avoids them too. Jooheon excitedly tells them about what they found and he hears the beginning of a protest from Kihyun but he’s overshadowed by Minhyuk’s excitement.

It’s only a few days later that Minhyuk forces everyone to gather at his and Hyunwoo’s place. He had already asked Changkyun if they needed anything specific to brew the flowers but the recipe was simple enough as it was so all they needed was the flowers, salted water and something to boil it on. It was the words for the ritual that made it work and Changkyun had spent the whole evening before practicing the pronunciation, terrified that if he said something wrong he’d be making them drink poison or something. 

When he gets there Hyunwoo and Hyungwon are sitting on the couch and Minhyuk is doing something by the kitchenette, instantly beckoning Changkyun over for them to get started. As the water starts boiling Changkyun lets his gaze travel to the two on the couch, chest aching at the numb look on the eldest face and the bruise on Hyungwon’s cheek. The world really isn’t a good place, not when good people have to suffer like they are. 

Minhyuk rests a hand on Changkyun’s shoulder to get his attention but there’s no impatience in his expression, just a look of understanding and a comforting smile on his face.

“The flowers?” he nods to the bag still slung over Changkyun’s shoulder and he’s grateful for the distraction, pulling the bundle out and dropping it in the water.

_ Relief, escape, happiness. _

He says the words a few times as he stirs the pot, hoping the brew really will be able to give them what the incantation suggests. Jooheon arrives just as the steam starts filling the room with a sweet scent and it’s just a few minutes later that Kihyun and Hoseok joins them too. 

“It should be done.” Changkyun says and Minhyuk beams, pulling out cups for each of them and handing him a soup ladle to fill them. 

He passes the cups to the others gathered by the couch and Changkyun turns off the stove and grabs the final cup heading over to the others. There’s a space right between Kihyun and Hoseok on the floor and he takes a seat, Changkyun tries not to think too much into the fact that the older of the two leans away from him slightly. 

“You sure this is safe?” Hyungwon asks sceptically, bringing the cup up to his face to smell it. 

Before anyone has the opportunity to answer Hyunwoo brings the cup up and downs it in quick gulps. He shrugs when he meets their concerned gazes and leans back against the couch, closing his eyes.

“Cheers I guess.” Jooheon says awkwardly and takes a sip and the rest of them follow. 

There’s a few minutes of pensive silence as they wait for anything to happen when a deep chuckle suddenly sounds. Hyunwoo’s eyes are open again and they look alive for the first time in what feels like ages and it makes Changkyun smile even though he probably should be concerned by the quick effect.

“This feels nice.” the eldest says once his chuckles die down, “Calm.”

The rest of them down the rest of their drinks. 

This feeling, it’s better than anything he could have hoped for. There is so much pain in this world, both physical and mental but it all just melts away. In the back of his mind Changkyun knows it’s just for the time being but for once the reality of his situation doesn’t make him stop enjoying this rare moment of ease. He lets himself relax, chuckling as the others laugh and yell and joke even though he can’t quite bring himself to listen to what they’re actually saying. It’s just so nice to see them happy. 

“Kyun!” Kihyun exclaims suddenly and he turns his head to face the older, the smile on his face only widens when he sees how flushed he looks, “This is amazing.”

“Yeah.” Changkyun sighs and feels himself sway slightly even though he’s seated, “The flowers are powerful.” 

“I didn’t dare believe it.” Kihyun whispers, leaning forward and Changkyun feels himself drawn towards him too. The others’ laughter is only background noise to him now, his focus is solely on Kihyun and the hopeful glint in his eyes, “Do you think it would work?” he asks, voice still so quiet but it feels loud in Changkyun’s ears, “Do you think it would fix me?”

“Yes.” Changkyun whispers back and Kihyun smiles so big his eyes disappear and a small laugh escapes as he leans his head forward, his forehead knocking into Changkyun’s but he doesn’t pull away, “Will you give it a chance?”

Changkyun feels him nod and it’s oddly intimate, foreheads resting against each other’s. He can feel Kihyun’s warm breath on his face and decides right then and there that he shouldn’t be selfish and worry about what will happen to him when he heals him. All he wants right now is for Kihyun to keep breathing. 

_ And he hopes to hell and back that the flowers will work, _

_ no matter where that will leave him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> And come talk to me on twitter:  
> [@Ebbzon1](https://twitter.com/Ebbzon1)  
> I also have a curioscat:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://curiouscat.me/EbbaTriesToWrite)

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> And come talk to me on twitter:  
> [@Ebbzon1](https://twitter.com/Ebbzon1)  
> I also have a curioscat:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://curiouscat.me/EbbaTriesToWrite)


End file.
